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12 Konzertbesucher, die du kennen musst (1/2)

11 Konzertbesucher die du garantiert kennst

Ich war in letzter Zeit auf sehr vielen Konzerten von zum Teil sehr unterschiedlich klingenden Bands. Dabei ist mir aufgefallen, dass man über alle Musikgenres hinweg, immer die selben Konzertbesucher trifft. Ich habe mich mal hingesetzt (weil im stehen schreiben eher unangenehm ist) und für dich die Top 12 Archetypen von Konzertbesuchern aufgezählt, die du kennen musst. Um ein bisschen zu teasen und weil Buzzfeed das auch so macht, habe ich die 12 in 2×6 aufgeteilt. You’re Welcome und los gehts!

1. Der Besoffene

Den Besoffenen erkennst du meist schon am rein äußerlichen Erscheinungsbild, denn er wirkt so, also hätte man ihn gerade frisch aus Mallorca oder Phuket importiert. Geschmackloses Hemd, obligatorischer Strohhut und eine Blümchenkette gehören zum #ootd des Drunkards. Welche Szene die spielende Band anzieht, ist ihm scheißegal, solange es Algoohol gibt. Wie die Band heißt, weiß er auch nicht, denn er hat die Karten gewonnen oder sein Papa kennt den Veranstalter.

Seine Lieblings-Aktivität während des Konzertes ist es nicht, der Band zuzuhören. Nein, wo denkst du hin? Sein Hobby an dem Abend ist es, seine Bierwampe entweder von links nach rechts an dir vorbeizuschieben, um unsauber gefüllte Plastikbecher zu seinen Freunden zu bringen oder alternativ von rechts nach links dein Sichtfeld zu blockieren, um leere Becher zurückzubringen. Dass er sich aber grundsätzlich immer vor dir vorbeischiebt, ist in der Konzertgrundverordnung niedergeschrieben.

2. Der Tänzer

Der Tänzer fällt dir auf, sobald der erste Ton von der Band angespielt wird. Sobald seine Hörorgane Wellen registrieren, setzt sich der ganze Organismus in Bewegung. Dabei ist es vollkommen egal, ob ein Discohit, Reggae oder eine herzzerreißende Klavier-Ballade gespielt wird. Aggressiv annektierend, bewegt sich der meist männliche Tänzer mit unvorhersehbaren, ruckartigen Schulterbewegungen gefährlich nahe in deine Richtung. Welches Getränk du auch immer gerade genießen wolltest, das was gerade noch im Becher ist, wird gleich auf deiner Kleidung sein. Ganz sicher.

Sehr wichtiger Tipp: Wenn du selber mal den Tänzer an einem Abend machen möchtest, dann darfst du unter keinen Umständen im Takt tanzen. Selbst wenn es einen gibt. Mach es nicht! Wenn du zu Adeles Hello eine James-Brown-Performance inklusive Spagat hinlegen würdest, dann weißt du, du bist ein Tänzer.

3. Der Transpirant

Der Transpirant ist einer meiner Favoriten und findet sich auf jedem Konzert: Egal welche Jahreszeit es draußen ist, der Transpirant ist immer in großzügig geschnittenen Tank-Tops unterwegs. Grundsätzlich ist ein Transpirant sehr massig und haarig und schwitzt meistens schon, bevor überhaupt die Vorband auf der Bühne steht. Der Effekt kumuliert sich mit der BPM-Anzahl des Songs und der Zuschauermenge. Manche spekulieren, dass die Schweißdrüßenproduktion zu- oder abnimmt, je nachdem, wie nah du an dem Transpiranten dran stehst. Um die Rechnung also einfach zu halten: Je schneller die Musik, und je mehr Leute im Raum sind, umso näher wirst du dem Transpiranten wahrscheinlich stehen und seine Schweißperlen zählen können.

Doch mit dem Transpiranten sind auch angenehme, zum Teil erotische Momente zu erleben: Wenn zum Beispiel der massive Oberarm mit RAF-Tattoo deine Wange streicht, dann genieße diesen sanften Moment, denn gleich wird es dir dunkel werden vor Augen. Die letzte Charakteristik, die den Transpiranten ausmacht, ist die Fähigkeit, immer in deine Richtung zu schwitzen, egal wo um ihn du gerade herum stehst. Selbst wenn du hinter ihm stehst und er dich noch nicht gesehen hat, er weiß es. Er weiß es trotzdem.

4. Der Riese

Der Riese ist uns wahrscheinlich allen bekannt. Ein großer Typ, am besten noch mit einer affig aufgesetzten New-Era-Cap, welcher immer vor dir und allen anderen steht. Es scheint wohl einen positiv gerichteten Zusammenhang zu geben, zwischen der Körpergröße und dem Drang, ganz vorne zu stehen, denn je größer der Riese ist, umso weiter vorne möchte er auch stehen. Der Riese ist in 95% aller Fälle ein Körper-Klaus, das bedeutet, wenn du dich in seinem ausgestreckten Arm-Radius befindest, ist die Wahrscheinlichkeit, einen Ellenbogen oder eine Schulter in die Fresse zu kriegen, extrem hoch, denn Riesen tanzen immer sehr expressiv. Immer. Da wird nicht locker abgesteppt, da werden ganze Kranichformationen getanzt.

Witzigerweise siehst du Riesen oft mit einer proportional unterdurchschnittlich kleinen Freundin auf Konzerte gehen. Dieser kleine Schatz wird dann meistens sehr wertvoll behandelt, denn solltest du auch nur in ihre Richtung ausatmen, schiebt sich eine Wand aus jealous Boyfriend vor dich. Und diese Wand versteht keine Scherze. Muss sie auch nicht, denn sie ist zwei Köpfe größer als du und ballert dir wahrscheinlich gleich eine, wenn du nicht woanders versuchst Spaß zu haben.

Doch es gibt auch kleine Menschen, die ohne Fleischwand unterwegs sind, zum Beispiel

5. Der Zwerg

Der Zwerg, eigentlich fast immer die Zwergin (ich wollte nur ein paar Feministinnen ärgern), ist meistens der größte Fan im Raum. Leider macht das einen aber nicht größer. Die Zwergin findest du meistens eher hinten stehen, denn hier tritt wie beim Riesen der gleiche Effekt auf, nur negativ gerichtet: Je kleiner die Person ist, desto lieber steht sie anscheinend hinten. Offensichtliche Handzeichen, mit der Aufforderung, sich vor dich stellen zu dürfen, werden mit einem leidigen Blick offen stehen gelassen. Du hältst den unsicheren Blickkontakt noch ein oder zwei Sekunden aufrecht, und überlässt die Zwergin dann ihrem Schicksal. Wichtiges Accessoire: eine Digitalkamera oder ein anderes veraltetes Fotografiegerät wird lässig ums Handgelenk getragen – um den Rücken des Riesen zu fotografieren.

6. Der Seriöse

Der Seriöse war bereits eine Stunde vor Konzertbeginn vor Ort. Die Zeit hat er genutzt, um für sich und seine genauso unsympathische Freundin mit Klebeband eine 40×40 Zentimeter Privatfläche abzukleben. Diese darf dann weder von anderen betreten, noch von ihm selbst oder seiner unsympathischen Freundin verlassen werden. Sollte ersteres eintreffen, so wird das Survival-Protokoll aktiviert und das eigene Revier mit dem Leben verteidigt. Dass die Veranstaltung ein Konzert ist, bei dem sich Menschen nun mal zusammendrängen, ist dem Seriösen irgendwie nicht ersichtlich.

Der Seriöse nimmt das ganze Konzerterlebnis sehr ernst. Vielleicht etwas zu ernst. Er ist es nämlich, der dich auf einem Bring Me The Horizon-Konzert während einer Wall of Death am Arm packt und dich anbellt, dass du mal einen Gang runter schalten sollst. Solange du dem Seriösen nicht in sein Hoheitsgebiet stolperst und seine beschissene Freundin in Ruhe lässt, hast du nichts zu befürchten. Doch wehe eines deiner Atome schießt über seine abgeklebte Grenze, dann verfolgt er dich wie Pikachu in der gelben Edition das ganze Konzert über, auch wenn du schon längst nicht mehr in seiner Nähe stehst.

Geheimtipp: Den Tänzer und den Transpiranten zu ihm locken und sich dann an den Rand zum Kenner stellen und das Spektakel genießen! (P.S.: Den Kenner gibt es bald in Teil 2! ;-))

Das waren nun die ersten sechs Archetypen von Konzertbesuchern, die man auf einem Konzert so trifft. Ich kann von mir behaupten, eine Mischung aus dem Seriösen, dem Tänzer und dem Kenner zu sein. Hast du dich oder deine Freunde in einem dieser Archetypen wiedererkannt? Wenn ja, dann schreibs mir doch in die Kommentare. Wenn nein, dann warst du wahrscheinlich noch nie auf einem Konzert 😉

Teil 2 kommt dann, sobald mir der Content ausgeht oder eine Petition gestartet wird. Auf Instagram erfährst du es als erstes! Also, sei gespannt! 😉

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